Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on cruises with VACAYA Vacations, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy and on Instagram at @sisterhelenholy. Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.
These news stories just trump everything this week. Pecker. The news is really sounding filthy lately. I can’t turn anywhere without being inundated with stories about that trial in New York involving the former POTUS. The fact that this centers around hush money paid to a slut is just the beginning. Everything so far has involved a witness who is […]
Christian uses of F words are with us this week. Four. As is now evident, we have all made it through the pronouncements of false prophets who believed that life as we know it would be eclipsed last week. I was lucky enough to live in an area where the Lord gave us full totality in view. Many were truly […]
I hope these thoughts don’t make you upchuck. Gag. I keep hearing about Gag Orders in the news. That sounds rather disgusting. I’ve eaten a few things in my day which have caused me to gag, and I have seen filth in the media at which I have gagged. But no one has ever ORDERED me to do it. Perhaps […]
Pray about these random sins in our midst. Perversion. Did you read this? I just wanna vomit! Sister Elizabeth Hurley, a British actress of some note, is currently filming a movie with a nasty subject matter. It is referred to as an “erotic thriller,” so I CLEARLY will not be seeing it. First of all, Sister Hurley Girley will be […]
Take care of yourselves, Brethren! Kit. Brothers and Sisters, I have been stricken with the COVID. I can’t imagine why I was not protected by the armor of God from this scourge. Upon testing myself with a kit from the drugstore, I realized that I could no longer pass it off as some Russian hoax since it has flattened me […]
We are entering a new age. Let us pray that it doesn’t get old. Old. Now is the time for all people to prepare a prayer closet in our homes. As of yesterday, it appears that our great nation is headed for a showdown in November of biblical proportion and, thanks to our Supreme Court, it will happen in all […]
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Football with Lent and some aging sluts. Wedging. I kept wondering why I was hearing so much about some extraordinary bird this past weekend. Apparently, it was being given major television coverage. Finally, it was pointed out to me that this was not programming regarding a Superb Owl, but rather a Super Bowl. Not […]
Rejoicing amid strife. Lift us up, O Lord! Victory. Sisters-in-Christ, let us REJOICE! Much like the Lord moved through Mary and Martha in the Bible, a woman has once again been the vessel for triumph! Sister E. Jean Carroll held steadfast in her convictions over evil and was given her earthly reward in the courts of justice. Not only did […]
Lord, hear these our prayers and give us strength. Abort. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Florida’s self-proclaimed Savior has fallen from the temple of sanctity into the abyss of failure. Sister Rhonda Santis has given up the race for President in abject defeat and thrown the vote to the name that trumps all names. In keeping with the name I […]
Could these be end times? Awards. I’m so sorry to say that the Hollyweird awards season is upon us. The first of these cavalcades of perversity, the Golden Globes, aired on Sunday (the Lord’s Day!!). I had to force myself to watch this drivel so that I am keenly aware of how to pray for our nation. It was truly a […]
